Ballroom classes – in a studio with mirrors. Now I can see myself. Strange. Why am I different. I do what I feel is movement – leg action, hip movement, arm lifting. Yet I look up and see barely anything, the barest trace of movement. So used to this silent squashing am I that I’ve forgotten what it’s like, that the tiniest of pushing outward feels so loud yet is so small. These closed lines are written deep. Why do I look and feel locked in a strange body that is so uncomfortable. What is this massive disconnect between my mind and my body. The distance. This body feels like a stranger to me. I’m not at home and it shows. I feel locked.
Years of hatred, believing myself to be ugly, telling myself to disappear, to squash down, to be invisible, have settled deep right down into my bones. Carved out these stilted lines. This person who doesn’t know how to BE.
I leave class feeling I am this awkward and heavy thing. This thing, this body I carry with me attached to me is so devoid of any life. It is dull and dead. The others have this lightness, a bounce and energy to their being, their dancing. I try and mimic it but I feel a dead weight.
As I slowly sift through this new journey of forgiveness that keeps cycling back on itself, I realise I’m the only one left, the one left waiting.

Who is Jesus?

Back in March our usual church routine was surprised.
Instead of an order of service rehearsed and documented to the minute
we sat in a circle
and talked.

It was definitely a more meaningful service for me, i left feeling excited!
Unfortunately being too terrified to actually speak to the group means i find myself here sharing my thoughts online.
So..who is Jesus?
We had all the usual which i struggle to connect with

Prince of peace                     King                              omnipotent

How about misunderstood?

His disciples spent days with Him, talking to Him! Yet still some remained clueless as to who He was and couldn’t understand His true purpose.
We have the bible so we can see more of the bigger picture. But there will always be some grey areas of misunderstanding. Hence there are thousands of christian denominations. But in another light the misunderstanding is an invitation, there is tension, mystery. And He wants us to respond to that and delve into it, discover, seek.

How about radical?
I regret not studying ancient civilisations but my limited knowledge is that the cultural and political ways of the Roman Empire were hierarchical, emphasising power, wealth, status. Jesus subverted that. A king who was born with animals.
Touched lepers.
Cared for the unclean.
Spoke to women.

We also took communion together following Jesus words to remember him, we talked about the memories of Jesus in our life.
Across my life there are a handful of times i’ve felt the presence of God. After some reflection i can most sum it up by saying that in my darkness, Jesus comes in and He cares for me.