A gentle rediscovery of energy.

Today marks 3 months since I was sick. “What do you do with all your time!?” People ask incredulously. A question that bounces out of one who can only be well.
At first being sick blurred the weeks, then morphed into sleeping 18 hour days, slowly becoming recovery and then “I think I’m better!” which turned out to be totally fickle. Setback. Body s l o w e d  f u r t h e r.
Now, I’m not back to normal. I am accepting a slower pace of life.
‘Things’ pile up and I don’t care! The shower is disgusting and its taken me this long to say never fucking mind! I accept my body is a temporary granny. I am liberated from housecleaning! Also from the many projects my creative mind likes to dream up, which I never had the energy to do when I was normal anyway causing cycles of pressure and guilt.

These days if I’m not at work for a couple hours or Tango class, I don’t really do anything. It’s been a pleasure to find there were a few more hours this week where I didn’t need to rest. So I’ve started munching on this delicious book, The Sound Of A Wild Snail Eating.
And now…a spring of water in dry land, for the first time in months I feel this tiny desire to create. Ah so good to feel something other than “dull…
stuck in the mud…
…my body just won’t GO”.

Now…a gentle rediscovery of energy. Mini setbacks week after week from stomping or even just toeing the line between activity and rest – living a normal life and healing- made me cautious. It’s still up and down but there is nothing left to cut out from my life! Exercise, housecleaning, tafe, life groups, piano, singing…already gone. Some dancing stays, Drs orders. You cut out everything you get depressed. That bug stuck to me for a short while. Starting work helped to dissolve its cloud over me.

Now when my energy comes out to play I am very cautious what I give it too, who I share it with. That has always been the way of my personality but now it is different. It runs me, it is no longer subject to what others think of me, my desire to be like them, incomprehension at why I feel different, frustration at tiring so easily. I had to give in, it has shrunk my world, my world has become little. Hopefully God will expand my life in new ways. In the stillness. In the quiet. In the paring back He will bring something new.

If I look a little blank when you ask how I am…lol…XD

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Born again breech

Reaching for the invisible God by Philip Yancey

“Oh God, I don’t love you, I don’t even want to love you, but i want to want to love you!”
Teresa of Avila

The words of a saint…

Surely there is hope for me yet!
Some quotes from the first chapter that i identify with.

I wonder if in the born-again metaphor i was born breech.
What is a relationship with God supposed to look like anyway? We know what to expect from other relationships in life, with parents, pastros, neighbours. What can we count on God for?
When will i just get it? When will things click? What’s wrong with me?
I have faith but it doesn’t seem to apply.
How do i act as if God is ailve?
How does my life as a christian differ fom a moral non-christians life?

Can’t belive i’m still asking the same questions i asked when i was 17. At this rate when i’m about 312 years old i may have some semblance of an anwer.

When collaboration kills creativity

Quiet. The power of introverts in a world that can’t stop talking. By Susan Cain.

Teamwork and open office spaces are intended to help creativity but the author presents some interesting new research which suggests they are often more of a hindrance.
Read more of this post

Quiet

 “That fruitful miracle of a communication in the midst of solitude” – the unity between writer and reader.

Does God love introverts? An Evangelical’s dilemma.

Quiet. The power of introverts in a world that can’t stop talking. By Susan Cain.

She talks to an introverted pastor (from Saddleback church…) about what it’s like to survive in an evangelical setting as a “quiet cerebral type”.
  Read more of this post

The power of introverts in a world that can’t stop talking

Quiet. The power of introverts in a world that can’t stop talking. By Susan Cain.
Been waiting for this book for hundreds of days at the library (too stingy to buy, ha!) At 271 pages long i’ll have to wait more hundreds of days as I won’t read it all in 2 weeks =\ Read more of this post

Everything must change #4

From Brian Mclarens book, Everything must change.

Don’t get revenge when wronged, but seek reconciliation.
Don’t repay violence with violence, but seek creative and transforming nonviolent alternatives.
Don’t focus on external conformity to moral codes, but on internal transformation in love.
Don’t love insiders and hate or fear outsides, but welcome outsiders into a new ‘us,’ a new ‘we,’ a new humanity that celebrates diversity in the context of love for all, justice for all, diversity for all.
Don’t have anxiety about money or security or pleasure at the center of your life, but trust yourself to the care of God.
Don’t live for wealth but for the living God who loves all people, including your enemies.
Don’t hate your enemies or competitors but love them and do to them not as they have done to you—but as you wish they would do for you.

Idealistic. It sounds simple, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy.
But it’s the trying and the struggle that is significant, that builds character.
This is what i’ve been grappling with the last few years. Reconciling expectations with this reality.
The heavy expectations from church and from my own impressions reading the bible, ie to be a certain way or do certain things, to find your god given purpose in life, be on fire for god, telling others about him, bringing people to church.
How i’ve accepeted these, as the keys to the path of god and his kingdom, assumed they must be right. And yet i don’t seem like them (other people at church) so i must be doing something wrong.
And how i’ve tried, i looked, i couldn’t really find it.  I wasn’t satisfied, and i’m not going to pretend otherwise.
Like after getting so fired up at youth rallies, coming home, and…i’m still me.
Getting the message from church that you’re not okay, you need to change, or that god will change you dramatically.
Slowly i’m learning to look past the expectations and the guilt i’ve found at church and accept the reality of struggles in life. Learning that that is where god shows you things, teaches you.
It’s a slow journey, the hard work of transformation. And i wish the church shared more of this, instead of focusing on JAAL style messages, he died to set you free, live your abundant life, find your spiritual gift and serve in our ministries. What if jesus was about death? Death to the self? Sacrifice. But that sounds hard, who wants to hear about that.  I know i shouldn’t blame them, i need to take resposibility for my own feelings.