#3 Convoluted journey of a dancer: My dance goals

Wear what I want to wear
So after the workshops I’m on the couch, I ring my mum sobbing on the phone.
“I wish i could wear a dress for the social….I can’t wear a dress I’m too fat…..I JUST WANT TO WEAR A DRESS! I’m so sick of wearing those bloody black trousers! Why don’t i ever wear what i want to wear why don’t i ever *just do* anything that i *want to do*?!”
Mum: “You’re not fat! That’s a lie of the devil! Just a moment while i get something out of the oven.”
For reals.
I am the heaviest I have ever been atm. When I was 9k lighter, I was not any happier. And i still felt I wasn’t thin enough.

I took this myself after the social as somehow I manage to evade every photograph ever. Milestone: first time not in trousers. I wear them to cover my legs. I cannot be the engaged sensual dancer that i feel while I am wearing dowdy black pants. And it helped, I was really dancing and enjoying myself!

DSC00806Of course I still had to cover up with layer upon layer of scarf cardi singlet skirt leggins. lol one step at a time.

“Now, lets talk about those arms”
Every lesson. He wants to talk about my arms. He tries to fix them but by the time I see him again in 3 months they’re all tucked in and closed off again. I don’t want to hold my arms out and up. I’ve always hated them.
Me age 12.
Mum: Why are you so crabby?
Me: I overheard you talking to dad saying how big my arms are.
Mum: I wasn’t talking about YOU! I was talking about my friend! Quit eavesdropping!

I always cover them up, squash them in. Make them smaller. Make me smaller. I’m so BIG. I want to squash myself down. I’ve spent my life squashing myself in to the background, wanting to disappear, making myself small.
And now my dancing is halted from progressing because of these same issues I’ve carried with me for as long as I can remember.

God wants me to be at home in my own body. He wants me to not just live inside my head. Disconnected from my body, hating it and constantly attacking it with crash diets, binge eating and negative thinking. This is why I love dancing, it helps me to feel okay about taking up space and to believe that my body can be beautiful.

My body can be beautiful.

The problem is in being free enough to dance with people the way I do alone in my lounge room.
In the beginning it was exciting and easy to grow as a dancer, finally I had found someone who saw potential in me, and he was excited to find a newbie with promise, pleased with my progress.
Now… a new phase,
my stumbling blocks are changing, becoming more challenging.

“Action plan”: Get used to dancin like a fool around other people. Go to No lights, no lycra.


About cornstalk
Corn. Singer. Nurse. Lover of music. Pursuing God (trying...). Secluded. Pianist. Wannabe gypsy. Silly.

One Response to #3 Convoluted journey of a dancer: My dance goals

  1. Hi there! I just found your blog by browsing the “dance” tag. 🙂 First of all, you are NOT fat! You look perfect to me from your picture. But I know just being told doesn’t help. I’m glad dance is helping you get to a place of acceptance. Please check out my blog at thegirlwiththetreetattoo.com and the rest of the Ballroom Village of bloggers! We all struggle with our personal demons and have found dance to be an amazing way to work through issues.

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