#2 Convoluted journey of a dancer: My dance goals

Dance!”
Last weekend, I stop my lesson halfway through. What’s the point. He knows I can follow well, why keep testing me with tricky moves. Why keep correcting my arms or my chest when no-one else here does that stuff so I’m feelin’ like a weirdo when I do it at class. I realise these are important things that will improve my dancing, but I can’t spend all this time and money driving technique home when I’m going CRAZY because now I’ve seen myself dancing on video i know I’m not dancing the way I want to dance!
So I tell him…when I watched the video of us dancing from last lesson. I tell him that’s when I FIRED him.
😀 😛 hehehe
How could he let me dance looking like that?! Frozen. Like a frozen icy pole.
Because of course it’s his fault. The world champions. Not my issue. LOL
Watching that video had sent me into a near emotional crisis!
Out of this…eventually spawned a new type of prayer life for me, using dance to help me reconnect with and really feel my emotions; a way of praying more meaningfully.
Isiah 45:3 I will give you treasures in the darkness.

Anyway, I realised that being in terrified awe of your instructor isn’t conducive to a free relaxed fun body. And that I should start trying to move more freely at class where I am less terrified. But now in my lesson I’m doing it again. Why keep going when still after 2 years with him, (ok ok, i.e 4 and a half lessons) I dance like Elsa. Frozen.

So I show him the video. His response: I’m not dancing I’m just stepping through the moves, not using my whole body. I need to practice dancing during class instead of just stepping, even when it’s an easy move I’ve done 10,000 times. I need to take risks. I need to let go. I need to stop caring what other people think. I need to get outside of my head, I’m inside my own head too much. Overthinking.

Again I’m suprised at his perceptiveness. My surprise makes me realise how I so wrongly judge the extroverted person. He comes across very extroverted and I don’t know if he understands my introverted soul. The slow time I take to unfurl.

Now the lesson changes direction. “DANCE!” he says!
If it were that easy I’d have done it already >.<!
“DANCE with me!” “Take a risk!” “Whatever you want to do, just do it!” Such quick upfront drawing-me-out makes my skin crawl. Makes it even harder to let go. Let it go. Don’t hold it back anymoo…okok we’re all well over that song 😛
Although I felt pushed which usually makes me turn and bolt in the other direction, it actually worked.
Next day I’m dancing my way through the workshops.
I go home, sit on the couch and out of nowhere start bawling my eyes out because of everything he said. Why? As in dance, in life.

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About cornstalk
Corn. Singer. Nurse. Lover of music. Pursuing God (trying...). Secluded. Pianist. Wannabe gypsy. Silly.

3 Responses to #2 Convoluted journey of a dancer: My dance goals

  1. Penny says:

    Wow. Super powerful stuff going on for you right now corn! What a celebration that you did it! You actually let go!? Where’s the part where you congratulate yourself? The part where you bask in your ability to subconsciously be free? Yes, of course you cried, of course there was a relief but I
    –seriously– I think so much of your fear/lacking of confidence/withholding is from you. You’re terrified of YOU. People are saying “let go” & you’re responding “no way” before they even ask. If you went through your blog count the amount of negativity towards yourself. Would you want to “let go” around such a harsh critic? Would a child thrive under such harsh judgements? A student learn with such expectations or scales of talent. Freaking heck no! Stay inside! Don’t show! Don’t show anything! You’re worst, harshest critic is you, & we all shake our heads at your awesomeness & ability to beat yourself back into withdrawal. You are talented. You are brave. You are wonderful. Be nicer to the corn that wants to let go & I’m sure as heck she’ll come out to play. Just be nice.

    • cornstalk says:

      Yeah you’re right! I forgot to celebrate the good 😀 It’s actually amazing progress that I didn’t run away, that I turned up the next day, took on board his advice *and* was able to do it. There was a tiny voice in my head saying these things but I didn’t give it any attention so it drifted off. Thanks sista! ❤
      The tears were about how difficult it is for me to make similar kind of progress in other areas of life, not just dancing. And they were overwhelming so I guess I missed celebrating the good of what just happened.
      Hm, be nicer to the Corn that wants to let go, a good reflection, thankyou my dear xx

  2. Pingback: Reflections on dance and life | Cornstalk

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